The Day I Confronted My Anxiety

The mere mention of the word "anxiety" sends shivers down my spine. I often find myself frozen with overwhelming thoughts, struggling to calm down as people around me offer well-intentioned advice. It's just who I am, I thought - my eccentric self. The feeling of being overwhelmed engulfs me, leaving me restless and constantly fidgeting. I've dealt with this since forever, evident from my nonexistent fingernails.

Perhaps you'd ask about my childhood. It was comfortable, but I was no easy child to handle. A defining aspect of my early years was the intense "people-pleasing" I engaged in. Being liked was my lifeline, and I went to great lengths to gain appreciation. Emotions consumed me, and they still do.

Behind the facade of a writer, I wore a mask to hide my anxiety. I let it sabotage my relationships and dream opportunities, leaving me in disarray. My ambition to be a travel blog writer was curtailed by anxiety's relentless grip. I believed I needed fixing and tried everything from meditation to therapy, but anxiety lingered like an unwavering shadow, tormenting me even in the darkest hours.

Describing anxiety with words feels inadequate. It's like choking, with the brain on the verge of explosion while the body levitates and emanates distress. Functioning becomes an arduous task. Every mistake triggers a barrage of self-criticism, negativity embedding itself into my life. I felt trapped in a quarter-life crisis, oscillating between manic energy and despair, under the canopy of fear.

How could I stop, pause, breathe, think, and act all at once? The answer evaded me. However, after 25 years, I've made peace with anxiety. I now understand it better and attempt to identify its triggers. While it feels like I've quit more times than I've started, I haven't stopped trying. Life no longer feels burdensome, at least for now. I've confronted anxiety, though I know the panic monster may strike again. But until then and beyond, I'll keep swimming.

TL;DR: My journey with anxiety - from constant struggle to self-acceptance. I'm anxious, always have been, but now I'm okay! :D

This article was originally published on Medium

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